20 years together...

Originally posted on Tumblr

My partner and I celebrated our 20th anniversary together last month. A few people asked me the ole “what’s you’re secret?” question and it’s made me think about this topic a bunch lately.

(First, a disclaimer. I don’t think monogamy is a superior way to approach life, it’s just worked well for us and people seem interested in what it’s like to experience it this long so this is only me speaking to my firsthand knowledge.)

You ready for mind blowing wisdom? The truth is that the largest element of longevity in a relationship is luck 😂 I mean, I could tell you healthy relationship tips, of course. We were so young when we stumbled into our relationship that we made a ton of mistakes and have learned and grown, thankfully. But the single largest factor to our “success*” is that nothing arose that split us up. Along the way a few of our friends sometimes broke up because there was abuse or betrayal present, sure. But the MUCH MORE common reasons? No one was “at fault.” Life just took them different directions. One partner wants kids, the other doesn’t. One partner wants to move cross country, the other doesn’t. They survive a shared trauma that’s too much to move past. Attraction wanes. Shared interests wane. Values change. Life goals change. Pressures of family interference get in the way. Feelings change. One partner discovers a new interest, religion, or career path that becomes a deal breaker.

Basically, people change and that’s all luck stuff, folks. Like those things didn’t happen to me largely just because they didn’t happen to me 🤷‍♀️ There’s lots of enthusiastic commitment over here, but no magic ingredients. My partner wanted to move cross country and I was down for a huge change mostly bc my previously beloved job had ended up burning me out bad. When we were 20 we had daydreamed together about our kids someday. Then at like 34 I finally admitted to myself I never wanna be pregnant like never ever and SURPRISE LUCK! My husband is even more childfree-life-oriented now than me. What if he kept his original interest in having biological children?

Who the hell could ever predict how to grow together in continuously compatible ways? Basically, you can’t. Sometimes when I think about how terrifying it is that life is extremely random and out of our control, I also decide to feel comforted that this shit IS all just random and out of our control.

(Closing disclaimer: stuff like treating your partner with an enormous amount of respect, addressing conflict in direct and healthy ways, honesty, respecting boundaries, and being their biggest fucking cheerleader are all very controllable but this post isn’t about that. See my “healthy relationships” tag for various things like THAT.)