When I was 17
The 16th anniversary of my grandmother’s death last week make me realize that I dealt with a LOT of shit within a very short span of time when I was 17. Like within 3 months I experienced:
•My clostest/kindest family member died, who I relied on for a lot of emotional support and a place to run to; had an ENORMOUSLY tough time with my grief
•Dad (abuser) had first psychotic break (when it became no longer possible to ignore/work around his mental health issues) and he checked into a facility and was finally diagnosed with schizophrenia
•My mom, in the meantime, having no idea how to parent my brother without the threat of “wait til your dad comes home” to throw out there, defaulted to me keeping ALL shit together for us
•Started my senior year while being in MANY extracurriculars, all AP classes, never taking a study hall, getting accepted into my top college pick during early admittance, and holding a part time job.
No wonder that was the only time in my life I was falling asleep in class (not that my grades slipped because I was killing myself in these ways to keep up with the illusion of being a perfect student) and was sick with a cold all. the. time. I think for maybe 6-7 months I went with 3-4 hours of sleep a night.
[[My saving grace was my friends, honestly. I’ve mentioned before that my family is pretty anti social and they thought I was weird for being such a “social butterfly” but that’s the one place I had stability, laughter, hugs, comfort…]]
Anyway, if any of the girls at my org told me she was dealing with this, I’d tell her she’s strong and incredible (and see how I can help.) I’ve never seen myself in a “strong and incredible” light until I put all this together the other day and felt real admiration for that sassy, foul mouthed, exhausted, brilliant, resilient, spit fire of a girl I was.