A false dichotomy
I was just thinking about how important it is that we acknowledge that these 2 things can both be true at the same time:
1) your parents/caretakers loving you, being generally kind, and/or trying their best to do right by you and
2) them abusing and/or neglecting you or otherwise being toxic and/or inadequate.
We want to boil abuse down to an either or situation: either your parents love you or they abuse you.
This is a very false dichotomy. Much of the abuse I suffered was exactly because my dad was trying to do what he thought I needed.
Life is so so so so much more complicated and nuanced than that an either/or and if you confront a parent or caretaker about manipulative, abusive, or toxic behaviors, their defense of “I was just trying my best” CAN be true without it negating your truth that you suffered because of them.