My 2021 Pride Month Wish
It’s June, which means that Pride season is upon us! I have one simple wish for Pride 2021—and that’s that for folks who experience attraction to people of multiple genders acknowledge that to themselves first and foremost of all….and then love that about themselves.
I’ve written and talked about and postulated more times than I can count that the number of bi/pan people across all time in human history is probably staggeringly large. But when you’re told over and over and over that one part of your attraction spectrum is RIGHT and one part of your attraction spectrum is WRONG…well, how exactly do you THINK you’d turn out identifying? I think of homophobic older family who told me when I was very young about their experiences being “sexually tempted” by people of their same gender. I listened to the story as a kid and thought “hmm” only to arrive at an “OHHHH SHIT” later in life.
I’ve been noodling on a metaphor that I think summarizes my experience growing up…it goes like this: Imagine you are born into a society where making your bread with wheat flour is the default. That’s just how bread is made. But good news! You definitely like wheat flour bread! In fact…you love it. You’ve never had any doubts about that.
As you go about your wheat bread loving life, you start to hear rumblings that other cultures make their bread from corn or potato flour. That idea piques your interest. You have feelings wondering if you’d like those breads. You start to learn that some of your friends and extended family like the other breads. But at the same time, the loudest voices of all tell you that people who can only subsist on corn or potato bread are freaks…deviants…sinners…whatever mean thing they can think to say. People who leave wheat bread behind have terribles lives. You’d never want that, right?
Then you hear that some people are such awful greedy and voracious gluttons who could just eat the “normal” wheat bread, but they like corn, wheat, AND potato bread. Basically they’d take any bread they can get their hands on and so not only are they freaks, but they’re freaks with no standards, who are shady and shifty and can’t be trusted. I mean, these people CHOOSE a terrible, gross life of bread-versatility, when they could have just stuck to their wheat bread lives like all of the good and trustworthy people.
As you go about being raised and growing up, when you talk about perfecting your own wheat bread recipe, people praise you and encourage you, and validate you in ways that you don’t even realize is occurring. But when you secretly try corn or potato bread or even just ask questions about it, a lot of people make you feel deeply shameful and you can tell there’s a visible discomfort reflected back at you. Even though you love people who eat corn and potato bread and you don’t think their lives are shameful anymore.
In this situation, before you can even understand what all bread you really like, you start to bury your interest in corn and potato deep, deep down inside. So deep down that you don’t even realize it. And you start to amplify your wheat bread love more and more, because it’s real and genuine and you don’t get any flack for it.
Ok, I can drop the extended metaphor now because I’m sure you get it…my point is that in my case, I was an “ally” and a trusted person for a lot of LGBTQ+ folks before I even grew a comfort examining, acknowledging, and claiming my own queerness. And as I’ve written about tons and tons, my true, proud identity is regularly erased because of who I’ve been lucky to be in love with for 18 years. I think my story is much more common than we’ve ever collectively confronted as a society. I mean, I KNOW it’s much more common because I regularly talk to people who feel just like me and a lot of us are annoyed as fuck to have our queerness erased, glossed over, and shamed. (And that’s what happens in a best case scenario, mind you.)
Many, many well intentioned folks along the way have asked me why I think it matters to talk about this when I’m partnered up in a “hetero relationship” (shudder). My answer is simple: When ALL people like me finally feel comfortable owning, claiming, and MOST importantly LOVING their own unique queerness first, the world gets a whole lot safer for everyone else who is queer.
Anyway, happy pride! 🌈🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️ May you partake in any real or metaphorical bread you like best, always.