I’m sick to my stomach
(CW: gun violence, murder)
I’m sick to my stomach.
I’m…I…
Plainfield man facing murder charge in Indianapolis road-rage shooting
FUCK OK
This man—this apparent murderer is one of my husband’s childhood best friends. They grew up together. He was then, by extension, my close friend too for a few years before our lives drifted apart from his and we eventually totally lost touch. Like our first “we’re old enough to take a road trip without parents but we they won’t let us take the trip alone” adventure to Chicago was with this guy. I have a gift he gave us at our wedding (the last time we saw him in 2009) displayed in my home.
We didn’t hang out with him regularly at all beyond 2004 because he had a kid and we went to college. When we did infrequently see him a few times between 04 and 09, he grew different. He didn’t laugh as much and what he laughed at I wouldn’t. He seemed mad. He used homophobic slurs. Things were palpably strained between him and his wife. He was really fucking drunk a lot.
In short, he wasn’t someone we’d hang out with anymore…so we didn’t. No big fight, no vitriol or hate; just time passing, life changing, and hundreds of micro choices made by both sides that took things far, far apart metaphorically and literally, as we eventually moved 1,100 miles away.
I haven’t thought about him in years and then my husband showed me this article today with tears in his eyes.
When people ask me why I have dedicated my life to working at nonprofits that challenge sexism and misogyny, I have a new answer I can add to the list next to the hundreds of others:
Because a kid I knew in high school—who briefly became my friend, and who was at times quite sweet and thoughtful and who was often so GD hilarious and who loved being in theatre and who was always broke and bumming a ride and who we all knew had a notoriously abusive and bullying father, and who learned over the years that he shouldn’t express any emotion other than anger, and who was so fucking hardened by this that one day, as a grown man, he killed someone out of road rage.
Road rage.
My heart is so fucking heavy right now mostly for the victim’s family. But also for that kid I used to know.
This didn’t have to be.
Y’all…the life that I could have if just a few things had gone differently SCARES the fuck out of me to consider sometimes. While I’m here, let me also recommend people watch the documentary “Minding the Gap.” It’s so good and I related to it sooooo hard coming from a very similar community.