Goodbye, Sienna
I wrote almost a month ago about grief because I knew this moment would come. Yesterday, I said goodbye to my sweet Sienna. Here’s a little bit I wrote on Facebook in her honor.
Dear Sienna,
This is the first picture of me holding you, next to the last. If I could have spent all 16 years we had together holding you, I would have, but you always had your own opinions about things and I was cool with that…I wouldn’t have wanted you any other way. You were the perfect prissy, spoiled, never-wanted-for-anything princess of my dreams.
Over the following years, you brought more laughter and love to me and Ronald than either of us have words for (although we try.) As he said in his instagram tribute, you were the best cat actor and a true light in our lives—who traveled with us on our big adventure into a new city over a decade ago (and did so MUCH more gracefully than your chronically anxious and car sick sister.)
You’ve been battling chronic illnesses for a while now, so I knew that the day I dreaded most would eventually come. But when I woke up today, I didn’t think it would come this quickly. It was both expected AND a total shock. Now that I look back at the last few weeks with the information of what all was going on inside your little old lady body, I can see that you were trying to tell me. Your time really was coming.
The pandemic has taken so much, but one gift it gave me was more time with you. Time to tend to your needs…to be with you more…to cuddle you…to give you moments in warm sunshine…to keep the fountain of fresh water your bossy butt demanded clean and full. But what you’ve wanted most for weeks was to be held by me, which was a new and welcome reversal of roles. Whereas you used to just tolerate my “hold ya like a baby” desires, you started to ask for it. I’d walk in the kitchen where your bed was, and you would be already standing and meowing…the message was clear: JUST HOLD ME LADY, BECAUSE I LOVE YOU. And sometimes, you didn’t want me to put you back down, even when I had to get back to work or making dinner.
I think now that you knew it really was your final days. And I think I knew too, because you’re the reason I couldn’t bear the idea of being away from home at the same time as Ronald. It breaks my heart that he was out of town when your time came, but I’m so thankful to have listened to my gut about one of us staying here with you. I’m glad I got to hold you and pet you and tell you I love you as you fell into a final rest today…a rest that you really, really need. I felt you purring until the last moments and I know that purring was more for me than you.
I’m not sure where to go from here. I don’t know how I’m supposed to clear away the modifications to our home we had made to assist you in your limited mobility in your final months. I can’t believe I will need to clear my phone from the twice a day insulin injections reminders that we’ve gotten so used to.
You were the first little soul that I, and I alone, was responsible for when I scooped you up at the Humane Society and you’ve been with me through ALL of my adulthood. I love you. I’ll always love you…16 years was a gift, and even if I had 16 more, I know it would have never been enough.
Thank you for loving me and thank you for warming up to Ronald and loving him just as much (even if it took you 3 years to decide he was worthy of your affection…which is…so you.) Thank you for being you and for helping me be me.
My grief is immeasurable, but so is my gratitude. Sweet dreams, my sweet girl.