A few words on bi erasure
I’m writing this less than 24 hours after hearing that Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg has died from cancer. That is a sentence that fully terrifies me to be writing in September of 2020. And with all of the mixing BIG feelings I have about it, it feels very fitting that my last post was on grief.
All that said, I don’t yet have things to officially say about it, other than I’m chilled to my core to think about what Moscow Mitch and 45 will do next. Honestly, I can’t dwell in it.
So for now, I want to instead talk for just a moment about biweek (which is extra fun for me because it always feels like a count down to my birthday, on 9/24 ;))
I think one of the best ways to celebrate biweek is to talk for a brief moment about some of the litany of myths and stereotypes out there about bi folks, because the world is biphobic as all get out…
Image source, Lambda Legal Twitter
(Forgive me for re-wording something I already posted on Tumblr, but, again, I’m feeling pretty drained and so reusing what I’ve already written for a moment feels like a good use of my time.)
I want to talk for one moment about one of these specific stereotypes. Because I legit forget that the non monogamy stereotype about bi people is even a thing because I am like the most monogamous person of all time 😂😂 (Again, there’s NO issues w/ bi people being poly, non monogamous, etc., it’s just absurd to paint us all w/ that same brush.)
I think it’s important to talk about how the erasure of bi people in long term, monogamous relationships contributes to this stereotype. Every day, people all around me are erasing my identity because they assume that as a woman who has been w/ the same man for 17 years and is happy as hell with him that I am straight, there’s nothing I could be but straight, and straight people treat me and talk to me like I’m straight like them, until I correct them. AND SOMETIMES EVEN AFTER…against my clarifying and protestations. Things like “You’re not really bi if you’ve been with a dude your whole adult life” and “lots of women who are with men claim to be bisexual because they want attention or they want to take up space they are not entitled to in queer spaces” and “your relationship is straight even if you are not” have been said….to me….in real life….a lot. (And not typically by other LGBTQ+ people, might I add.)
I also regularly hear/see the same of my bi-counter parts who are women partnered with other women or men partnered with other men, they are told by outsiders that they must be lesbians or gay–they can say “I am bisexual” or even “we are both bisexual” and have people forcefully say stuff back like “your lesbian relationship…” even when both women say “we are not lesbians.”
I waffle a lot about if/when to talk about my sexuality, because I am fully aware that the relationship I am in…while used to erase my identity, also affords me a LOT of privileges and protections in society. So I start to feel shame in wanting to push back and say, “actually…I’m not straight” when someone assumes I am. It’s complicated and a line I want to consciously and carefully walk, so I don’t take up space where it is inappropriate for me to do so. But it also helps literally no one when I don’t push myself to underscore my own queerness.
I have been thinking so much lately about how the world is not as cis and straight as cis and straight people believe it to be. In fact, the messages that WE ARE ALL CIS AND STRAIGHT are so loud that many not cis, not straight people don’t even actually introspect on these questions. For example, if you’re like me, and you are attracted to the “opposite” (<-false dichotomy, their words) gender at all, then you can find yourself pushing your queerness deep, deep down inside you for a long time and focusing on that side of you that is “socially appropriate” without even realizing what you are doing. Thankfully, unpacking and understanding my sexuality, like everything else I’ve written about on this blog, was a thing I worked on understanding and have been thinking about for a long time.
I feel now feel comfortable wearing the “B” label and I’m glad for that clarity. After all, we actually are the biggest part of The Community and that’s still true even with all the pressures around us that is encouraging our “opposite” gender attractions and erasing us.
That’s not nothing.
Anyway, my points are this: biphobia is real. Bi erasure is real. And BI PEOPLE ARE REAL AND VALID, so stop doubting and questioning us. AND HAPPY BIWEEK 2020!